第315页
《简·爱(英文版)》章节:第315页,宠文网网友提供全文无弹窗免费在线阅读。!
feel mine is not the existence to be long protracted under an Indian
sun. What then? He does not care for that: when my time came to die,
he would resign me, in all serenity and sanctity, to the God who
gave me. The case is very plain before me. In leaving England, I
should leave a loved but empty land- Mr. Rochester is not there; and
if he were, what is, what can that ever be to me? My business is to
live without him now: nothing so absurd, so weak as to drag on from
day to day, as if I were waiting some impossible change in
circumstances, which might reunite me to him. Of course (as St. John
once said) I must seek another interest in life to replace the one
lost: is not the occupation he now offers me truly the most glorious
man can adopt or God assign? Is it not, by its noble cares and sublime
results, the one best calculated to fill the void left by uptorn
affections and demolished hopes? I believe I must say, Yes- and yet
I shudder. Alas! If I join St. John, I abandon half myself: if I go to
India, I go to premature death. And how will the interval between
leaving England for India, and India for the grave, be filled? Oh, I
know well! That, too, is very clear to my vision. By straining to
satisfy St. John till my sinews ache, I shall satisfy him- to the
finest central point and farthest outward circle of his
expectations. If I do go with him- if I do make the sacrifice he
urges, I will make it absolutely: I will throw all on the altar-
heart, vitals, the entire victim. He will never love me; but he
shall approve me; I will show him energies he has not yet seen,
resources he has never suspected. Yes, I can work as hard as he can,
and with as little grudging.
'Consent, then, to his demand is possible: but for one item- one
dreadful item. It is- that he asks me to be his wife, and has no
more of a husband's heart for me than that frowning giant of a rock,
down which the stream is foaming in yonder gorge. He prizes me as a
soldier would a good weapon, and that is all. Unmarried to him, this
would never grieve me; but can I let him complete his calculations-
coolly put into practice his plans- go through the wedding ceremony?
Can I receive from him the bridal ring, endure all the forms of love
(which I doubt not he would scrupulously observe) and know that the
spirit was quite absent? Can I bear the consciousness that every
endearment he bestows is a sacrifice made on principle? No: such a
martyrdom would be monstrous. I will never undergo it. As his
sister, I might accompany him- not as his wife: I will tell him so.'
I looked towards the knoll: there he lay, still as a prostrate
column; his face turned to me: his eye beaming watchful and keen. He
started to his feet and approached me.
'I am ready to go to India, if I may go free.'
'Your answer requires a commentary,' he said; 'it is not clear.'
'You have hitherto been my adopted brother- I, your adopted sister: